Probably the best, most read piece on the old blog was a piece called, “My Wife’s Boyfriends,” which was about me dealing with my personal emotions and feelings being the husband of a sex worker.
That was back when Quinn was 100% solo though and while all of that information is still relevant and accurate, I felt a rewrite was appropriate now that we’re doing this completely together.
Now, I won’t pretend to be a relationship expert in the slightest. In fact, everyday I learn how to be a better partner to Quinn and, oh yeah, I mess up a fair amount too. We all do, to be human is to err.
What I do want to say clearly is that you CAN have a completely stable relationship with a sex worker and this stigma around sex workers with significant others is out-dated and completely wrong.
See my relationship with Quinn is absolutely no different than a vanilla relationship. We have the same hardships, the same stresses, even similar goals to many other couples out there. The fact that we do porn doesn’t negatively affect any of our relationship, if anything, it’s actually strengthened it significantly.
So I’m writing this guide for all the significant others out there or someone considering starting a romantic relationship with a sex worker. Here’s how we’ve been able to navigate through it all.
Like last time, I’ll start with Quinn and I’s relationship. We’ve been together now (at the time of this article) for 5 years, married for just under 4 years. We’ve been friends a lot longer though, about 15 years in total.
Ready to get all cute? We met at a summer camp when we were teens. We shared our first kiss after sneaking away into the woods together, became pen pals (yeah, this story predates texting!), and just stayed in touch throughout the years.
5 years ago she posted a little quip on her personal Facebook and I responded. It prompted a conversation and about 2 months later she was on a plane to come visit.
I’ll admit our relationship moved faster than the norm, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Quinn moved to my state about 3-4 months after that first visit. She had her own apartment with a roommate for an entire year, but slept there maybe 1-2 times.
The following winter we went on a cruise to the Bahamas and I proposed in our cabin as soon as we boarded the ship (just in case she wanted to run to shore in fear)! She said yes and it’s be a hell of a ride.
Building a Foundation
So maybe that’s the big secret to a healthy relationship. Time. Truly taking the time to know someone. Quinn and I moved so fast with our romantic relationship because we knew each other so well from our friendship.
You need to know and trust your partner, otherwise this guide won’t make any sense. To build that trust, you need to take time to construct it together. Sex work is a very demanding profession and without this trust, there’s hardly any chance for a relationship to survive.
So before we get to the actual guide. You need a solid foundation for your relationship to stand on. Are you and your significant other aligning with the same goals and aspirations? Are you communicating about things you want your life to be or not be with your partner? Are you and your partner consistently working on building each other up at every level?
I call Quinn and I a “power couple,” because we spend, for the most part, 7 days a week working towards accomplishing our shared and personal goals. We build each other up and stop each other from making mistakes.
A good, healthy relationship gives you strength and power, it does not deplete it.
Even with a solid foundation, things can get rocky. Especially when you start to incorporate something like Sex Work into the picture. So let’s get into my personal guide for maintaining a healthy relationship.
1. Create Boundaries
The most important piece of advice I can offer is to set and agree on each other’s boundaries. Being unable to do so will not only cause you issue, but it will destroy the fabric of your relationship. Everyone has a personal comfort level and forcing someone to do something outside of that is wrong.
The same is true for a relationship. The main issue is, people don’t openly discuss their boundaries with their partner. They want to be seen as the “cool, nonchalant” partner of a porn star, but when there’s actual emotions at play, this will backfire.
See we’re all selling sex appeal which inherently has emotions like passion, lust, and jealously attached to it. Not understanding how to deal with these emotions can lead to more issues.
Talk with your partner. Create specific boundaries and do not cross them. Once a boundary is placed is can’t be broken. In fact, it shouldn’t be pushed either. The person setting the boundary should always be the one to remove the boundary. There should be no convincing or forcing with other’s physical or emotional boundaries.
2. Respect the Business
Without a healthy level of respect for Sex Work and the people in this industry, I have a hard time believing you’ll have the empathy to understand what your partner is dealing with. Since I’m part of a couple account, I see a lot of it first hand now, but it has always been there.
It’s hard to watch your partner work relentlessly and constantly, but this business requires a strong work ethic. Understand what it takes to be a sex worker. That 20 minute video you buy, with our process, took 1 hour to film, 2 hours to edit/export, and countless hours of uploading, copywriting, and promoting.
Your partner isn’t just a porn star, they’re a digital marketer, a salesperson, a media personality, a sexual health expert, a publicist, a make up artist, a videographer, a photographer, a video editor, etc., and a porn star. Then add in the other things they have to juggle to maintain their life like errands and chores! Sex Workers are modern day Renaissance Artists.
Otherwise, and I was guilty of this when Quinn started, you’ll get upset that your partner is constantly on their phone or laptop instead of in the moment with you. Understanding what it takes to be successful in this business will provide you with the empathy to maintain your relationship.
3. Respect the Relationship
One of the things I see constantly that destroys the inter-workings of a relationship is a complete lack of respect by one or both sides of a relationship for their partner. I’m talking about those people that make fun or belittle their partners on any level.
Quinn is the strongest woman I know. She is my business partner, my lover, my anam cara (Gaelic for “soul friend”). I wouldn’t dream of speaking ill of her behind her back, not out of fear of her finding out, but out of putting that type of negativity onto our lives.
In a relationship, you have to have a mutual respect for each other, but also the relationship itself. Consider it sacred or special if you have to. Your relationship should never be something you’re ashamed of.
4. Make Time for the Relationship
Here’s a tricky one. How many dates do you and your partner go on? I’ll tell you right now, it’s probably not enough. I do my best to take Quinn out at least weekly and I even feel that’s sometimes not enough.
Also, and be honest here, when you’re on a date with your partner… are you actually there with them or checking your Twitter or Snapchat?
Your partner deserves your time, in the same way you deserve your partners time. You came together as a couple, hopefully, to strengthen each other. So why would you not invest in the time to spend time with each other?! It will make you stronger!
The other end of this is, “but dates cost money.” They don’t have to, our society is just distraction based. Go stargazing, visit parks, and free museums! You know what we do? We have a membership at a winery. Costs like $160 a year and we can go to our winery and drink for free year round in a beautiful environment. So for the cost of not having fast food like 10x throughout the year, I get to treat Quinn constantly.
Relationships are about priorities. My relationship trumps everything else in my life. Sometimes you have to make a choice to give something up to invest in something more worthwhile.
5. Be Involved As You See Fit
I strongly encourage every significant other of a sex worker to join the community at some level. Help your significant other with their content, managing their social, whatever!
If you don’t know how to start, ask your significant other what a “promo RT” account is in the industry. Small things like that are vastly important.
Fun Fact! PornoBotSays was created because Quinn was always doing Sex Work and I wanted to be involved!
6. Separate Sex Work from Personal
Another key piece of the guide! Have a clear-cut separation between your sex work business and your personal life. This is exceptionally hard when you’re just starting out and grinding for every dollar, but you have to learn when to put the business down and focus on other things that are more important, like family, significant others, and friends.
Creating a true separation between the business and the personal will allow your relationship to exist without the stress of sex work encroaching on it.
Let me explain with a personal story. When Quinn was doing this solo, she sold her Snapchat for like $30. Now we believe in practicing excessive reciprocity so fans that continued to tip who receive extra access to Quinn. It wasn’t listed on a menu or anything, but our top tippers and fans had virtual 24/7 access to Quinn.
Now I’ll admit, when we first started getting top-tier fans, I was jealous. I hid it rather well, but like those evil emotions (jealous, anger, stress, etc.) it festered and Quinn and I argued over a lot of things. Then we created this true separation and it clicked. She was working. That was it. Sure these fans were vulgar and sometimes rude, but it’s a job.
Once you have a separation you can fall back onto that separation to find logic when your emotions get to strong. Sure I was feeling jealous, and it’s important to address that, but I was able to discuss it openly without anger. Which would help alleviate it and, in time, overcome it.
Like, I’d never worry about losing Quinn to a fan. It was more about her spending 16-18 hours with them a day and me having only a few fleeting moments with her. After addressing it, we started to create the separation and that alone made us make more time for each other.
7. Communication is the Backbone
A relationship without open communication will suffocate and die. Communication is what will build up or destroy a relationship and if you don’t take the time to understand how both of you communicate you will have some seriously rough times.
Communication is something no one can really master and we all have different styles of communication. What we can do is work to understand how a person communicates and work towards meeting them at their level.
With sex work in the picture, communication is so much more important. Having a open stream of communication allows the hard discussions to happen without real worry. For instance, setting boundaries is virtually impossible without both parties being ready to do so.
Communication will make or break you. You have to be ready to discuss the hard things like money, boundaries, and priorities.
8. Life is Meant for Enjoyment, Not Work
You were not born to only have a job, pay you bills, and die. Life is a magical gift we all get and it’s a shame to waste a life pushing a grindstone.
It’s why so many of us choose, maybe even feel a need, to have a partner in their life. Everything simplifies in my mind when I’m inside of a relationship. I can quickly sort priorities, I have a virtually constant support system, etc. I love being married!
I learned early on in my marriage and relationship that if I only focused on work, I’d risk my relationship. Let me explain.
Above all the other emotions out there, neglect is one we often don’t talk about. We associated feeling neglected with depressed or lonely, but I feel it’s a deeper emotion. When you’re in a couple you subconsciously, and consciously affect each other’s emotions. So when your partner comes to you for something and you reject them you are causing more damage than you know.
Put down the phones, the laptops, the cams, the whatever and spend some actual, quality time with each other. Keep that fire alive. Save up for trips and entertainment together. Quinn and I are concert goers, wine-tasters, pub-crawlers, etc. Just find that common ground and get out there and enjoy life with the person you’ve chosen to spend so much time with.
9. Master Your Emotions
Even if you’re part of a couple, you’re still solely in control of yourself. It may be a unique dynamic to get used to, but you have to. Again, I’ll explain.
People can make me angry, but how I respond to that emotion is my decision. Same can be said about every emotion we have. Society makes us believe we can find happiness in products or lifestyles, but that’s not true. Happiness comes from within us and the choices we make each day.
In my relationship, some days I’m happy and Quinn isn’t. Other days it’s the opposite, or both of us feeling one way or the other. We feed off each other’s energy, but we’re not co-dependently tied 100%.
When I have a negative thought or emotion about Sex Work, we talk about it, but here’s something I’ve learned. Allowing myself to be overcome by that emotion leads to further issues. Whereas appropriately and logically discussing the issues without emotion will always deal with it faster.
Now things like depression, anxiety, etc. are quite a bit different and it would be wrong for me to just say “handle your shit” and call it a day. These things require very delicate approaches that are often personalized to the person suffering. Be there for your partner as best you can, but maintain yourself as well.
At the end of the day, a relationship takes a lot of work. It takes empathy, compassion, and patience. Add Sex Work into the picture and you’ve just doubled the stress it can have. You can have a healthy relationship with a Sex Worker though! We’re real people, with real emotions, who crave real human connection!
I wrote this in hopes the couple struggling with their relationship or the partner who’s jealousy is running crazy find it before it’s too late. What you’re feeling isn’t wrong and it’s ok to feel like this. Talk to your partner, maybe even show them this, but take the time to communicate with them about how you’re feeling.
Have a loving day!
Evan | @Porn0Bot